Man's Best Friend

In the Metropolitan section of the NY Times Feb 12th there was a section following David Frei's Sunday Routine. David is the co-host of the 136th Westminster Kennel club dog show at Madison Square Garden and owns two beautiful spaniels, Angel, a Cavalier King Charles and Grace, a Brittany. Honestly I am very new to how healing animals, especially dogs are to their owners.

My dear pal Jane has the most magnificent white haired, blue eyed dog called Puffy. She is madly in love with her "Puffer." True an absolutely sweet, smart and connected dog. After all Jane is a reknown psychotherapist.

My dear pals Robin and Robert got their first puppy the day after Thanksgiving. Spot, yes that's his name, is a beautiful rare colored brown Havanese, that is perky and so lovable. Robin said she can't believe she waited all these years. Spot has added a loving dimension to her and Roberts lives. Robin was so sweet with him. "Arden I have so much love to give, it's a win win all the way." Awwww.

As a Family Psychotherapist, I have had some patients, not too in touch with the depth of their feelings, struggling to express their softer side. Not with their dogs!!!! So much affection. It's absolutely healing and wonderful for me to share and observe.

My kids Samara and Todd always wanted a dog. I would say, when you have your own apartments in Manhattan then get yourself a dog. You know how I am. Achoo at the very thought!

So is there a change of heart? I know so when am I going to get a dog? At 61, very allergic, yes even to the hypoallergenic sweet pups, I am so satisfied to be an "Auntie" visit, revel and as they say in yiddish, I Qvelle!

Kids and Sleep Deprivation

Andrea Petersen chronicles how our children through the century have been sleep deprived. Researchers share that children sleep 70 minutes less than they did a century ago.

In the 1900's people used to blame it on the radio and school books. Now it's all about the Internet and TV.

Teenagers are notoriously sleep deprived. They wince at us parents when we "suggest" that they get their recommended 9-10 hours a day. You can just imagine now with lots of teens "sleeping with their cell phones, that are on all night, texts, lap tops in their rooms with chonic IM's beeping, waking them up, and our over achievers, some working on homework, and college applications to the wee hours in the morning. It's a wonder how they get up for school in the morning? Try to get up your teen in the morning. It's a grand feat! Some of them are so grouchy and angry, while some literally fall into a wall, but they do get up and drive themselves to school.

What's worse is that in recent years studies have connected sleep deprivation with a higher incidence of anxiety disorders, depression, alcohol and drug abuse.

Samara, my daughter was like a bear in the morning. Being my cute and funny self, I would say, boy do you need a cup of coffee. She'd give me the face and the eye roll. In those days she couldn't stand the smell of coffee. She had a hard time falling asleep. I guess so overstimulated from the entire day. 12 midnight, she could still be tossing and turning, so by the morning you can just imagine. Unlike most of her girlfriends though, Sam got dressed with the speed of light. She may be moaning and groaning but she did it literally in 15 minutes. She could just roll out of bed. But don't even try to have a conversation. Oh no, that would not be in Mommy's, my best interest. The great thing about teens is that they get older, go to college, graduate and have an apartment in the city, get a job and get to work early and on time all on their own! Yep that's Sam at 22, so proud of her!

Ok so what's a stressed out parent of a stressed out teen supposed to do?

TIPS

• Get a conversation going from the time they are little about self care, well being and self love
• Connect them to their urgency to be immediate with their friends and that is not always in their best interest
• Let them know that you want them to be safe, and alert especially in the morning
• Tell them how much you love them every single day. Can't say it enough!

Quanitta Underwood and Her Living Nightmare

I just read an incredibly moving article, The Living Nightmare, Sports Sunday, N.Y. Times Feb 12 2012:

Quanitta Underwood, is a U.S.A. Olympic hopeful and a surviver of years of sexual abuse at the hands of her father Azzad Underwood. Her older sister Hazzauna had been sexually abused as well. The nitemare had started when Hazzauna was a little girl and continued until she was 15, her younger sister Quanitta was 13. That's when they bravely contacted their mother, who was divorced many years from Azzad and told their truths.

Incest and sexual abuse comes with awful side affect that don't go away anytime soon. Quanitta described feeling dirty, vulnerable, like someone could look right through her. Quanitta, floundered in H.S., and turned to drugs, became depressed and contemplated suicide. Quanitta was suffering from Post traumatic stress syndrome which contained a multitude of life altering memories and experiences of violation of her body, mind and being.

It was a miracle, divine intervention, that she turned to boxing. Her web site, "Living Out the Dream" chronicled the beginning of her healing and sharing bits and pieces of her story. It also was the space for her to dream about "being somebody" "starting over." "The dream carried me through a lot of days."

She has become a surviver and thriver and a role model for all girls that have been unmercifully raped.

This resiliency, the capacity to rise above, was chronicled in my book, What Do You Expect? She's A Teenager!. I called her Angel, 13, who found me on the Internet and shared that her Uncle violently raped her. She told her Mom but she put her head in the sand. I helped Angel over the course of a year plus to enable herself to vindicate the wrong by having her Auntie connect with a lawyer, and prosecute her uncle, based on a GYN report and a DNA sample garnered from her saved panties. I remember my passionate words of empowerment and support to Angel when she said she could't prosecute, "Never Again," I'd say for yourself and other younger defenseless children that he could harm." "Your right, Auntie Arden, I'll be strong and do and press forward."

The road back from rape is not an easy one, but Angel shared, processed, wanted to be helped and has since risen above.

SIGNS OF RAPE AND RAPE PREVENTION: For parents and children/tween, teens, young adults

• Speak to your child about funny touches and that their body is sacred
• Encourage your child to report/share any misdoings whether by a friend, sibling, extended family relative or parent

THE REALITY OF RAPE

• 29% of rape victims know their assailant
• Four in ten rapes occur in the victims home
• 43% of rapes occur between 6 in the evening and midnight
• 29% of rape victims are ages 12-17

WHAT IF THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS: RED FLAGS THAT YOUR CHILD COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED

• Your child doesn't seem themselves, stares out in space
• Your child is depressed, with bursts of anger
• Suffers from panic, anxiety attacks
• Unable to sleep
• Unwilling to go to school
• Self mutilation/cutting
• Develops an eating disorder: anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder
• Runs away
• Suicidal

DON'T TOLERATE THE FOLLOWING IN YOUR HOME AND PROTECT YOURSELF

• Physical and verbal abuse
• An air of intimidation
• Being asked to keep secrets
• You are worthy and no one is to hurt, malign or violate you
• Go to an adult who will believe you and help you
• Go to the police and prosecute

Diet Math

Reaction to An article written by Ron Caryn Rabin, entitled" In New Diet Math, Subtracting Is Hard." NY Times Health section Feb. 7th.

As a family psychotherapist and an eating disorder specialist I believe in the anti-dieting approach. In my 30 plus years of experience, for the majority of folks, diets just doesn't work, even though every day there's a new fangled way to lose weight! Yes one can lose weight, it's keeping it off that's the major challenge and not putting it all back on, plus more. A person has to work so hard, cut an additional 300 calories to maintain a new set point weight and work out.

So here I am reading about Weight Watchers new Points Plus system. Dieters who have had success with WW before are now struggling. What's different here? Fruits now count for 0 (zero) points. An AHA moment!

Let me share the following true and very recent personal adventure. My husband and I decided to become "juicers" fruit juicers to be exact. So we put in 2 bananas, lots of apples, pears, carrots, blueberries, strawberries and more. It started out as one drink a day (20 oz.) which soon became two drinks. We found a lovely spot in Nyack N.Y. for a wonderful fruit shake and thought we were so smart by eliminating the protein powder and the soy milk. We eat plenty of protein.

We happen to go for blood tests before our visit with Dr. Suzanne Salzman, MD and homeopath. She looks at our read outs. Everything looks fine, then all of a sudden. Wow, she says. What are you doing Arden? I felt like I was being scolded by a school marm. Nothing I say, Why? Your blood sugar is in a dangerous range in the diabetic zone, here look at the numbers. What, I say? She looks at Larry's numbers, You too? What are you eating? What are you doing differently? Arden does anyone in your family have diabetes. Yes, I reply, my grandmother had it, but that was type 2 and all about how she ate. Gram had a sweet tooth.

We search our brains and tell her about the fruit shakes. She literally raised her voice and said, "STOP DOING THAT. THAT'S WHAT GETTING YOUR NUMBERS UP!!!" Oh, I felt so sad. You are getting addicted to it, right, she says. We nod affirmatively.

So it's really not that difficult with the new WW Points Plus system to realize that fruits have to be subjected to points. They are not vegetables. There's lots of sugar let's say in a banana, and sugar turns into. Well you know.

Some WW devotees have cut their allowable points on their own. The old adage so holds true, "Eat in moderation." That includes everything, but especially fruit. Oh well back to my apple a day, blueberries and some banana in my oatmeal!

Highlights from Cyber-bulying Prevention Interview with Arden on Parenthood.com

Check out this Cyber-bullying prevention interview with Arden on Parenthood.com.