Podcast with Bill Moller

I'll be on Bill Moller's podcast today at 10:15 EST.

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Reaction to WSJ "Public Enemy #1" Article

Today's WSJ Review had on it's face page a picture of a boy about 6 year old with his fist in a clenched position, mad face, wearing a white buttoned down shirt and tie. The article "PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1? The Bully Showdown." I carefully read the authors brief bio, Mr. Gillespie is the editor in chief of Reason.com and Reason.tv and the co-author of "The Declaration of Independents: How Libertarian Politics Can Fix What's Wrong With America." Having his political ideology as a backdrop would explain his need, in his words "outside of the rare instances of severe bullying and harassment of a handful of victims as seen in the movie, "Bully," it's grossly exaggerated. He sites statistics between 1995 and 2009 from the National Center for Education, that the percentage of students who reported "being afraid of attack or harm at school" declined to 4% from 9%. During the same period victimization rate per 1,000 students declined 5 fold.

Ok I know that study and site it in my book's Bullying Chapter, but Gillespie falls short in reporting the following: Yes, it fluctuates from 2007-2009, moves from 32% to 28% of all students 12 to 18, that say they are bullied on a daily basis. But the most glaring fact is omitted and that is with children with disabilities, that number jumps to 85% PACER (Parents Advocacy for Educational Rights).

Like most Libertarians, Gillespie takes issue with too much government intervention and does not see the usefulness of the newest anti-bullying laws and picks at New Jersey's tough new law and new potential legislation put forth by Frank Lautenberg. Gillespie's ideology,leave it up to the states. My response, Hey, if Civil Rights was left up to the states, as Ron Paul suggested, there would not ever had been The Civil Rights Act signed by LBJ. There would be no protection against racism. No leg to stand on. After all there is a Bill of Rights and a Constitution? My understanding equal rights under the law for all, right?

Does Gillespie consider that there may be some under reporting as well? As a psychotherapist who has worked with both victims and bullies and having worked with rape survivors, I can tell you that the system for a long time did not make it easy to report any violation to self. The victim was made to feel that they were the cause of the alleged assault. Remember it took many adults to share that they were raped as children by the benevolent family minister/cleric.How many years went by with the clergy, the Papal establishment in denial, giving a blind eye only to re-locate a pastor or minister?

This is rampant. Think of Sandusky?

Overpowering a person without their consensus and with their resistance, whether verbal, physical, sexual is bullying, harassment, a violation of the The Bill of Rights. Let's talk politics, fairness and justice.

He ends his slanted view points with the following: "Our problem isn't a world where bullies are allowed to run rampant, it's a world where kids are convinced that they are powerless victims." Mr Gillespie, has two sons. Lucky for him they have not been bullied or perhaps he instructs them to stand up. Who knows? Except for the extreme cases, Mr. Gillespie needs to get off his arrogant horses and walk a few miles in the parents and children's shoes that have been victimized, squashed, and terrified. Has he done his homework with the increasing number of suicides? There was no mention of cyber bullying, 24 hour pummeling and death threats?

He needs to see the bigger picture, get his head out of the sand, quit blaming, making comparisons that are outlandish and reductionistic.

Bully, the Movie Premiere, Part 2

Kelby Johnson, from a small rural town in Oklahoma, now 16 years of age came out. She has been called "fag," shunned in class and treated like a pariah! She initially felt she can make a difference, but by the end of the movie she realizes, it's going take take lots of people, to make room for acceptance of differences. The most poignant moments are all about Kelby's dad, a former "Bible belter" who believed it was terribly wrong to be gay but has since become a transformed person. He clearly loves and supports his daughter. He has lost "friends" who are stuck in a reductionistic, homophobic, fire and brim stone lack of understanding. He is still quite in shock with their lack of tolerance, shunning of his family and general negativity.

Another scene, a young man 13 ish, who has been continually bullied, pushed, hit called names is asked by the asst. principal at the Sioux City School to shake hands with his perpetrator. This made me reel with disgust, as this young man must have felt. He questioned the AP, how can I make up with him? She naively says that the other boy, (bully) has his hand out to you to makeup. How simplistic and blind.

A perfunctory handshake, which she criticizes the victim that he wasn't sincere. He answers back, "He calls me pussy, now I stand up four myself. I had to stand up for myself to make them leave me alone. Thank goodness he can now!

This had to be one of saddest documentaries I have seen in years. I felt bombarded with these children's visual and verbal daily brutal truths.

Lee Hirsh, the director took some Q's and compassionately responded. He received lots of praise for his unobtrusive video taping. Lee responded, Everyone was candid and real. After a while they forgot there was a camera on them. This was particularly evident with the Sioux City Asst. Principal and Principal. Their "do nothing" or not making a sufficient intervention was clearly not seen by them. The frustration of all of the parents was evident throughout, whether at the school system, the bullies themselves and their victimized children.

The take away message: We as a group of bystanders need to be pro-actively working to protect our children, not just ours but all of the children. The climate of respect is a goal. The value for human life and dignity needs to be imbued in every soul. Treat others the way you want to be treated, a mission. Lots of work lies ahead. One must stay positive, hopeful and stand up and put one's foot down for injustices and violations to a human being. Enough is enough!

Bully, the Movie Premiere, Part 1

Bully, the new movie, directed by Lee Hirsh, had one of it's exclusive New York premieres at the Angelica Theater on Houston and Mercer Street in the West Village in Manhattan.

It was a full house with a full contingent from the United Federation of Teachers. We were told that Lee Hirsh, who was in the house, planned to have a Q and A after the film. I was excited with that opportunity. So we all took a breath and then sat in disbelief, upset, sadness, outrage at what we saw unveil before our eyes.

It opened with older middle schoolers on a yellow school bus, innocent enough, with loud teen driven music in the background. For me it reeked of ominous and toxic situations to come.

I am going to share some poignant moments, out of sequence, to tell a story of severe bullying, harassment, ostracisim, rejection, suicide, parents with their heads in the sand, parents that woke up, parents that became activists, children bullied that become numb to it, children that fought back and stood up for justice and administrators from Sioux City Iowa school system, with good intentions, still remained so in the dark, unaware that they were re-victimizing the victim.

I hope I have their names correct, but it appeared that Tyler Long and Tyler Smalley were the two young boys that committed suicide after an endless barrage of verbal as well as physical abuse at the hand of bullies and bystanders that did nothing to put the bully(s)in their place. Tyler Long's Dad and Mom became activists. The visual of Tyler's dad tee shirt, "Your voice will be heard" is both haunting and powerful. I believe he said that bullies were responsible for his son's suicide. I believe he or another Dad of his son's suicide also said, "I will go to my grave until a difference is made."

Alex Libby, 13 ish, a wonderfully intelligent, elder loving brother with 4 younger siblings, and a special needs Aspergers fellow, was video taped on the school bus as being daily pummeled on the bus by assorted bullies. He was hit in the head, stuck with pencils, pushed, shoved, named called Fish Face,shunned and ignored. Oh god, it was awful. My heart went out to him. His parents, especially his mom, would ask him daily, how was school? Alex would stare out in space, clearly traumatized, and hardly respond. He had become numb to these daily brutal rituals. To his Dad he'd say, "It wasn't that bad today." I recall one scene where his Dad said you have to "stand up and not take it. What about your younger sister who will be going to middle school." Yes, his 11 year old sister chimes in, "Kids call you creepy. I don't want to get picked on because of you."

Ouch, he walked away dejected, rejected, misunderstood, and silent. I ached for him. This is where Lee Hirsh, director, stepped in and shared the bus video tapes with his parents. They were bowled over and outraged. They took their upset to the Asst. Principal, who poo-pooed them but said she's follow through. Mrs. Libby said she felt totally politicized and dismissed and nothing would come of it. Next scene, the principal is questioning some kids about the bus climate in her office. One boy said "I saw nothing." While others said, "yes, Alex is pushed around."

Next scene, Alex is in the principal's office and shares that he has been sat on by a bully, squished by a bus seat. The principal says, yes that happened once. Not any more right? It's barely audibly but Alex says, "there's more going on." Ouch!!!!

This was a massive wake up call for Alex's parents. They realized how they needed to be pro-active and protective of him. That he needed to be not on that bus. I think Alex needs to sit in the front row, by the bus driver, if he continues to go on any bus at all.

Incidents of verbal and physical abuse escalate on unsupervised school buses, bathrooms at school, lunch rooms, the hall ways, recess, and the back of classrooms when teachers are not paying attention and while walking home. I have seen this first hand and reported by some of my patients that have been continually victimized.

There is so much more to share later today about this much needed Movie, but I am off to a march for kids like this and more in Nyack with Joseph Coe, President of the Young Democrats Youth group LGBT, here in Rockland County.

Blessings from Arden

Rad part 2

Fitting into the Dress

It's that time of the year that Seniors are hunting or have found that "perfect" dress that sets them apart and makes them shine.

Between the machinations of the hair, limo, shoes, where to go after Prom it's enough to make a parent either bankrupt or absolutely filled with pride.

This year many schools across the US are cracking down on dress codes. Some of these dresses are way too over sexualized with too much revealing cleavage and cut outs. The cleavage get lower and deeper, the slits and cut outs is bigger, the length, if not a gown, gets to be way over the thigh.

Some schools have posted pictures of what's appropriate and others published a book of styles on line. If a girl comes to prom "inappropriately dressed" they will be turned away. That includes measuring with a ruler and turning away any cocktail prom dress that is more than 3 inches over the knee.

So what does a smart and savvy teen do about this? Some go along, after all these dresses are really beautiful and why risk being turned away. Some put in temporary inserts, or put a tee shirt under until they get to a bathroom and unveil themselves. Some will "get away" with it and others will be cracked down and turned away.

Ok so I am reflecting. Samara, now 22, wanted a backless dress. She envisioned it a year before we ever went on the hunt. We landed up going to a boutique in La Jolla, California, I kid you not, on a vacation to California. Our friend Lise Markham took us shopping. It was so much fun. Lise, an ad gal, really could be a stylist. Sam got a beautiful creation and had her backless dress.

The styles were tame compared to those today. With Dancing With The Stars influence and the cult of Hollywood like Ms Lopez, it's no wonder teens emulate an over the top style. They think it's cool, trendy and yes very sexy and an attention getter.

A few of my patients have purchased Jr. Ball or Sr. Prom dresses this year and have shared them with me. Wowie, so cool. Ah what a night!

More to come on the after party, sex, drugs and rock n roll and eating disorders are flared up with the anxiety of "fitting into the dress."